The Fulmer Cup
The Fulmer Cup is awarded prior to the start of the regular season to the college football program whose players, during the off-season, collectively accumulate the most points; points are assigned for negative law enforcement contacts (a.k.a arrests,) and are scaled for severity of alleged offense. The Arkansas Razorbacks "won" the 2012 Fulmer Cup, and their victory represents a three-peat for the Southeastern Conference (ESS EEE SEE SPEED!!!) The Cup is overseen by Boardmaster Brian, Reggie Nelson, and their enormous penises, and was named in honor of the largest unemployed head coach not named "Mangino."
To be eligible for Fulmer Cup points, a player must, a) be on the program's roster (no alumni or verbal commitments,) and, b) commit the offense(s) during the off-season.
Points are assessed based upon the severity of each alleged offense, on a scale of 1 (for "drankin', suspended license, and assorted petty misdemeanors") to 5 for murder, and we assume, sassing Aunt Stabby. Points are accumulative, and thus a player who steals a pig (petit theft, 1 point) then a car (3 points,) sexually assualts said pig (beastiality, 4 points) before drunkingly wrecking the stolen vehicle (DUI, 2 points) would be assessed a total of 10 points. In said hypothetical scenario, it is assumed the player would cover the bond by hocking his 2007 national championship ring, and thus be out in time for his parish's Mardi Gras festivities.
2017 Alcorn State*
2014 Cal Poly
2013 Vanderbilt (Never officially awarded. Can be considered vacated.)
2009 South Florida
Florida did not place in the top 10 of last year's Fulmer Cup Standings, but did receive special mention for a scam that had not been criminally charged at the time the results closed.
Antonio Callaway, Keivonnis Davis, Richerd Desir-Jones, Jordan Smith, James Houston IV, Ventrell Miller, Kadeem Telfort In this team effort, 7 Florida players allegedly misused their student debit cards with scholarship funds provided to them by the school. Those players reportedly purchased electronics, then re-sold them, and attempted to claim the cards had been lost or stolen.
On September 25 the 9 players were collectively charged with a whopping 54 felony charges, most of which went to Telfort and Smith. Had they been charged at the time the Fulmer Cup season ended, they would have easily overtaken Alcorn State for the title.
Because the crime was committed during the Fulmer Cup season but the charges not awarded until after, Alcorn State gets to keep their title, and Florida is retroactively awarded a Special Achievement award for the 2017 offseason.
Ellis T. Jones III Award
Prior to the summer of 2006, Ellis T. Jones III was a WR/DB of little renown, enrolled at San Jose State, a school of even less renown. One stun gun and double-digit felony arrests (and convictions) later, he became an EDSBS god. The Ellis T. Jones III Award is earned by the player who single-handedly earns the most points for his university. However, the "Ellis T. Jones III Rule" states that no program that accumulates points based solely on the misdeeds of a single player is eligible for the Fulmer Cup.
- 2014 Samuel Marshall, William & Mary
- 2013 D.J. Pettway, Alabama
- 2011 Troy Evans, Marshall
- 2010 Nigel Carr, FSU
- 2009 Trent Pupello, South Florida
- 2008 Jimmy John, Alabama
- 2007 Ronnie Wilson, Florida
- 2006 Ellis T. Jones, San Jose State
The "Switzer Slam" is awarded to any program that wins the Fulmer Cup, national championship and has a Heisman trophy winner all in the same year. Auburn is the only team to have ever achieved the Switzer Slam, doing so in 2011.